The Wedding Decisions That Matter — And the Ones You Can Let Go

There are an extraordinary number of decisions that come with planning a wedding.

What should we wear? Who should we invite? What flowers should we have? Do we need a cake? What about a first dance? Should we have readings? Should we write our own vows? And on it goes.

After conducting lots of wedding ceremonies, I’ve noticed something: couples can spend an enormous amount of energy making decisions simply because they think they’re supposed to.

So here’s my practical advice: you don’t have to do everything that appears on a wedding checklist. Some decisions genuinely matter. Others are simply options. And some things can be left out altogether.

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Before you start working through every wedding decision in front of you, I think it’s worth taking a step back.

Ask yourselves:

• What do we want the day to feel like?
• What do we want to remember about it?
• What matters to us as a couple?
• Which people do we genuinely want involved?
• What are we doing because we actually want to?
• What are we doing because we think we’re supposed to?

Those questions can be surprisingly helpful. Once you know what’s important to you, it’s much easier to decide where to spend your time, money and energy.

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Who is going to marry you?

Your celebrant is going to be one of the people you spend a fair amount of time with during the lead-up to your wedding, and they’re also the person standing with you at the centre of the ceremony.

So I think this is worth giving some thought to.

Don’t just look at photographs or read a list of inclusions. Think about whether you feel comfortable talking to the person, whether you like their approach and whether you trust them to guide you through the process.

Where and when you’re getting married

Your location and timing can have a much bigger impact on the experience than couples sometimes realise.

Think about the practical things as well as how beautiful the space looks. Will your guests be comfortable? Can everyone hear and see what’s happening? What happens if the weather changes? Will the timing work for the rest of your day?

You don’t need to find the “perfect” venue. You need to find somewhere that works for the kind of wedding you actually want.

What you want to say to each other

This is one of the reasons I think the ceremony deserves some attention.

Your wedding is a celebration, but the ceremony is the part where you actually make the commitment to each other. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but it should feel like it belongs to you.

That might mean personal vows. It might mean sharing a little of your story. It might mean keeping things very simple. There isn’t one right way to do it.

Who you want beside you

Weddings can create a surprising amount of pressure around who should be involved.

Bridal parties, parents, siblings, friends, readers, witnesses and all sorts of other roles can become part of the conversation.

But you don’t have to give someone a role simply because you’ve seen it done before. Choose the people you genuinely want close to you and involve them in ways that feel natural.

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This is the part I wish more couples felt comfortable with.

Not every decision needs to become a project.

You don’t need a reading

Readings can be lovely when they mean something to you. But if you’re searching the internet for a poem because you’ve decided a wedding ceremony is supposed to have one, you can probably let this one go.

You don’t need to write lengthy vows

Personal vows can be wonderful, but they don’t have to be long. And you don’t have to become a writer overnight.

A few honest promises can mean far more than something that sounds impressive.

You don’t need to fill every moment

There can be a temptation to keep adding things to a ceremony so that it doesn’t feel “too short”.

You don’t need to.

A ceremony doesn’t become more meaningful simply because it takes longer.

You don’t need a rehearsal just because someone else had one

Some couples benefit from a rehearsal or run-through, particularly when there are lots of people involved or the ceremony is taking place in a more complicated setting.

But a rehearsal isn’t automatically necessary for every wedding. Talk to your celebrant about what will make you feel comfortable rather than adding another appointment simply because it’s on somebody else’s checklist.

You don’t need to follow every tradition

Traditions can be meaningful, particularly when they connect you to your family, culture or history.

But tradition is an option, not a requirement. Keep the ones that mean something and leave the rest behind.

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When you’re faced with another wedding decision, I think it can help to put it into one of three categories.

1. This matters to us.
   Spend some time getting it right.
2. This would be nice.
   Keep it if it’s easy and enjoyable. Don’t let it become a source of stress.
3. We don’t really care about this.
   Give yourself permission to skip it.

I think this is particularly useful when you start looking at all the little details. If neither of you really cares about something, there’s a good chance it doesn’t deserve hours of your time.

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One of the easiest traps when planning a wedding is assuming that something is important simply because it’s traditional.

They’re not the same thing.

You can have a traditional wedding with all the familiar elements. You can also take the parts you love and leave the rest. Or you can create something that looks very different from a traditional wedding altogether.

What matters is that your choices make sense to you.

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There are some things you can’t simply decide to leave out because they form part of the legal process of getting married in Australia.

For example, you need to be married by an authorised celebrant, certain legal wording must be used during the ceremony, and the Notice of Intended Marriage generally needs to be given to your authorised celebrant at least one month before the wedding.

The good news is that you don’t need to become an expert in marriage law yourself. Your celebrant should explain the legal requirements, make sure the necessary paperwork is completed and guide you through what needs to happen and when.

Legal requirements can change, so always confirm the current requirements with your authorised celebrant and the Australian Government’s Attorney-General’s Department.

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This might be the biggest thing I’d like couples to take away.

Your wedding isn’t a test. There isn’t a perfect combination of flowers, music, vows, decorations, traditions and timings that will make your marriage more successful.

Some things will go exactly as planned. Some won’t. Someone might cry before they intended to. Someone might laugh at the wrong moment. The weather might change. A button might come loose. Your entrance might not be quite as smooth as the rehearsal suggested.

That’s all part of having real people at a real wedding.

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Do we need to follow a traditional wedding format?

No. There are legal requirements for getting married, but there is plenty of room within those requirements to create a ceremony that suits you.

Do we need to include readings in our ceremony?

No. Include a reading if it has genuine meaning for you. If you’re only looking for one because you think you’re supposed to have one, you can leave it out.

Do we have to write our own vows?

No. Personal vows are one option, but they’re not compulsory. Your celebrant can talk you through different approaches and help you choose something that feels comfortable.

What if we don’t care about some of the traditional wedding details?

That’s completely fine. You don’t need to include something simply because other couples do. Work out what’s important to you and let the rest go.

What should we prioritise when we’re feeling overwhelmed?

Come back to the two of you. Think about the people you want there, how you want the day to feel and what you want to remember. Then deal with the practical decisions one at a time.